Don't you want somebody to love...

[Zombie_eater_69]

oh man, what am i doing? i don't know why i let myself get into this shit. it all starts at a party, and me being the kind of 'do what she feels like, no man can tame me; gal that i am, i like to flirt. fuck, who am i kidding, i thrive on affection. And i like being able to walk away from it all feeling like i'm the one who ended it, i'm the one who stopped before they could take a good hard look at me and realise i'm not worth it.

But what the fuck do i do when i realise i'm not as numb to emotion as i like to think i am? I get myself in too deep, and before i know it his got his arm around me and i feel like for a moment i feel like i shouldn't have lead him on, but i can't stop becuase i want to hear those words.

Oh man i feel so screwed up. i shouldn't be doing this with myself. i liek to play the game, or atleast think it's all a game. reality is so much more confusing. I want what noone thinks i want. I want to be loved, god fucking dammit!

haha, woow outburst! And i don't like to admit that i wasn't shivering because i was cold, and that it hurt thinking that he doesn't know i feel this way, but i can't put myself out on the line for him, not when he could so easily break my heart.

Who am i kidding, my hearts mourning what i never had. but atleast he'll never know. What's happening to me? i hate it: i hate that i feel this way, i hate that he won't tell me what i want to hear, i hate that i may only be a one night stand for him, and i hate that i can't seem to get closer.

I keep waiting for something to happen, and when i have the opportunity it's never with who i want. I'm just the pair of doc martins that don't fit, and perhaps i never will.

Fuck, it's all too late, timing always fucks me over. as if being born 50 years too late isn't bad enough, everything i so badly want comes too early, or too late, or never when i so badly want or need it!

I do want that stupid teen romance, i do want to know how he feels about me, fuck why can they never see that?! i've turned into everything i hate, i would have never been drowning on like this last year. thats life for ya, i try playing with hearts and living the party life like men do, and i just feel hollow cold afterwards. I guess i do have emotions, and it fucking pisses me off! DO you think it'll ever happen for me?

wow. being stuck babysitting for the rest of the night and bored, i literally googled "vent your anger", clicked on the first post that came up on the page, and it was like i was reading something i had written.

i have the exact same problem and it's especially getting to me today! it seems like i'm never the girlfriend, always the hook up. its a vicious cycle i've gotten myself into. if i want to hook up with someone, i do it. i never think of the consequences. i think that if a guy really likes me he'll take it further after that, but really, what is the point after it's already been handed to him?

whats especially getting to me right now is this one guy. i had been talking to him for about a month before we hooked up and was completely into him. all my friends warned me about him, that he literally has a cycle of talking to girls, hooking up with them, and never speaking to them again, but for some strange reason i thought i was different. i was good friends with him and his core group of friends as well.

then one day, i spent the entire day with him, just hanging out with our friends and having a good time. then somehow, i wind up alone with him in our friends hot tub and after a few awkward "break the ice" conversations, i leaned in and kissed him. we made out, just made out, for about an hour after that. i was almost shocked he didnt try to take it further and made it seem all "romantic" and what not, considering his reputation. i thought id finally found the guy i was looking for.

fast forward to the next day, same group of friends, same kid's house, COMPLETELY IGNORES ME. then does it AGAIN the next day. i finally had to figure out what was up, so i imed him and basically asked what, if anything that one night meant. he told me he liked me, but didnt know that he wanted a relationship. of course. they never do, do they?

we agreed to go back to just being friends, which crushed me. all i wanted was one guy, any guy, to finally take me seriously. i guess we went back to being friends, but it was nothing like it was before. then last night at another party, i barely had said 2 words to him and one of my best guy friends comes and tells me that hes telling everyone im all over him and am trying to get with him tonight!! then what does the little fucker do? totally scams on this other girl and obviously hooked up with her!!! i didnt realize the feelings were still there until i saw them together.

i got the guy friend i mentioned before to walk me home and stay over. i never bitch all that much, but tonight i just had to. not because of this one guy in particular, but because this is what happens EVERY TIME!!!! all i want is something real, someone who wont brag about me to their friends and then completely ignore me just to show that they can. i wish my common sense applied more to guys, that i didnt go hooking up with whoever i wanted, whenever i wanted, just because i wanted to. i wish i was one of those other girls, you know, the ones that are smart and pretty and fun all at the same time and always have the best boyfriends who really respect them for who they are. if i want something, i go for it. end of story. i just wish i knew how to go about getting the one thing i really want, love.

oh and if your thinking duhhh you stupid bitch go for the guy friend!!, already tried that, he's such a great friend to me as a person, but as a girl, just like all the others.

PHEW that felt good to get off my chest. i'm so glad you wrote this. it's so nice to see that someone else, even someone i'll never meet, is going through the same thing as me. about your comment about wanting to find love, i think you will. i could pull a whole bunch of stuff out of my ass and tell you that theres someone out there for everyone blah blah blah but i'm not going to. all i'm gonna say is that i'll have faith in you if you have faith in me, because if we don't got that, then what do we have?

[Strife]

I think we need a visit from the paragraph fairy.

[Hard Justice Dan]

Originally Posted by Strife

I think we need a visit from the paragraph fairy.

I'm too hungover to try and format that. Maybe later.

Zombie - I like your rants. They're so angry. But can you please use paragraphs in the future? I'm sitting here with a splitting hangover and my head cannot get around reading that chunk of text.

[Jimmy]

This reminds me a lot of high school. But yeah, I'm with Dan - Zombie_eater_69 actually writes pretty well, except for the whole paragraph thing.

[Zombie_eater_69]

yeah sorry 'bout the paragraph thing, i just got home, was a little drunk and emotional and just typed till i had nothing more to say.
It was one of those rare occasions that i just didn't care about grammer, paragraphs, or my crazy 50's lingo :P
Sorry if it was alot sappier and chick drama then my normal posts, i just needed to vent.
As for the gal who gets it, thank god! See, I want someone to see past the act, but none of em (men) even bother, it's like they don't think i'm worth it. The problem: my hoping of running away to california and meeting some rockabilly/punk guy to sweeep me off my feet just aint helping, and my usual daydreaming of falling madly inlove with fellow band members Sid Vicious, Robert Smith, and Eddie Cochran doesn't help either, becuase i don't want them. All i can think about is this guy. Damn, it would be a nice feeling if i knew he felt the same, if i were more to him than a little fling every now and then. Oh well, time for teen angst and angry rock to numb the pain...

[Jimmy]

Originally Posted by Zombie_eater_69

The problem: my hoping of running away to california and meeting some rockabilly/punk guy to sweeep me off my feet just aint helping

Gotta say mate - I don't think you'd like the blokes in California much better than the ones at home. If anything they're bigger cockheads (at least the ones I've met at college here). You remind me a lot of a couple of girls I knew at school, and they turned out alright.

Originally Posted by Unregistered

all my friends warned me about him, that he literally has a cycle of talking to girls, hooking up with them, and never speaking to them again,

That bloke is gay. If he were straight he'd string girls along until he got sex, then back off. As it stands he's just making out with chicks then dumping them, to make it so he doesn't look gay. Avoid at all costs.

Signed, Dr. Jimmy.

[Hard Justice Dan]

Zombie - it's probably not what you want to hear, but at your age it's pretty unrealistic to get a real love like that. You're depending too much on another like minded person, and at that age it's just not going to happen. You're probably just going to be patient until all of the douche bags that are your age grow up over the next few years.

On top of that, your attitude that you were talking about at the start of that post:

'do what she feels like, no man can tame me; gal that i am, i like to flirt. fuck, who am i kidding, i thrive on affection.

That's not exactly conducive to a story book teenage romance. Any guy with similar attitude aspirations for a true romance around your age would probably be scared off by that. You wondered at the end of your post why no one ever knows that's what you want. It's probably because you're not really letting people know that's what you want in your behaviours. This whole love thing sounds like a relatively new revelation for you. If so, then maybe this is your time to mature a bit too. Not that I'd say you're immature, but every young person has plenty of personal development left to do (that's why high school sweethearts are so uncommon - people change as they grow up).

I can sympathise with you for sure. I always felt a few years ago I was in the minority of teenagers who truly only wanted to find that one person. It might be arrogant to say that's true, but I also think the proof is in the pudding considering the musical chairs that tend to go on in high school with him dating her, her dating someone else, him dating her best friend. That's cool though. People need to find out what sort of person could be right for them some time in the future, or just to get their thing wet, but it was never really my scene.

You're never going to be alone in these feelings. I think it's pretty grouse that someone searched Google for 'vent your anger' and then came straight across your post. I think that shows how common this sort of angst is, especially with frustrated youths still trying to find their way in the world - and really, in reality you are still trying to figure out what you're all about. That also would make it hard for any other young guy to be totally sold on you, and that's not a knock on you. I'd be very surprised if you're still the exact same person in three or four years, but who you are now is more than likely the basis for who you'll become.

The only word of warning I will give to you though is that when you do first find someone that truly loves you DO NOT think that person is the be all and end all for you. I got burnt badly that way a little over two years ago and still haven't really recovered from it. I also know that I won't recover until I find someone else that truly loves me, however I'm already anticipating that I'll get hurt even worse because of how much I'm pining for that attachment - that even the most vague sort of interest from another girl will have me head over heels unnecessarily. Don't get too attached the first time you really find love - at least not for the first couple of years.

Also, to the unregistered poster. Jimmy is right. That dude is DEFINITELY gay.

[Zombie_eater_69]

thanks for the info hard justice. What your saying is probably right, and in normal circumstances i would haver said the same thing : teenagers are too imature to find love, how can they call it love? they don't even KNOW love?!
but i suppose it's just my time to have a silly teenage crush, and since i've never felt anything like it i'm going to assume it's love until i'm proven wrong.
I'm stubborn that way :P
Sorry if i come off as a bitch/angry lesbian type/slut in my posts, i'm not but it's hard to get my personality down in a few paragraphs, and i guess you need to get that before continuing the story.
Thanks guys, i'll get it in the end